I know we’re all talking about why Democrats are losing young men to the “Manosphere.” And while many people come close when they talk about money and financial security (speaking from experience), I think what it really boils down to is the opportunity to be successful in this country—whether financially, to take care of your family, or status-wise, to look strong instead of weak and emasculated by “the others.”
It’s about that pack mentality, reinforced by these influencers, that plays on our most animalistic and insecure instincts—where the weakest get thrown out in the cold and left behind.
For years, while we’ve talked about leveling the playing field and expanding rights, the Right—and a lot of influencers—have stoked the flames of what every young man fears: that he is losing something before he ever had a chance to have it. When you simplify it like that, it feels unfair. Because, as they’re taught to believe, society is now built to make sure they’re never successful. Worse, they believe they’ll be left behind in the dust.
These men’s most basic insecurities have been played on by the Right in the media. And now, with the rise of the Evangelical Right, Christian Nationalism, Prosperity Gospel, and figures like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, they are being taught through their faith that men are inherently the strongest and most powerful—and that God has given them the right to dominate. And how do you argue with God?
They’re not being taught the same Christian values that Catholics, Methodists, Episcopalians, or other sects emphasize—like service to your community or treating your fellow human being with dignity. They’re taught instead that “God blessed me by letting me be born in the USA, baby, and I have the freedom to do whatever I can to make it.”
Most of these men don’t hate women—many are heterosexual. But they’re taught to fear that as more women are promoted and placed above them, their own chances at achieving their dreams disappear. They fear they’ll have to step aside and let women walk all over them.
Why does the term “DEI” scare the shit out of men? Because they’re told it’s a program designed to demote them rather than promote others. Right-wing voices say, “Well, those opportunities have to come from somewhere—so they take them from you.” And what does that mean to these men? Less money. Less opportunity. Less likelihood of raising a family in a good neighborhood. And that adds up to looking like a failure—in front of family, friends, and society.
If you asked most of these guys for a solution to the immigration crisis, they probably wouldn’t have one. But what they do care about—and this has been true since the first borders were drawn—is the belief that someone unknown is coming to take what’s rightfully theirs.
Do most of these men want to work the low-paying jobs that many immigrants take? No. Did their families once take those same jobs generations ago? Yes. But their attitude is: “So what? It’s mine now, and they want to take it from me. They want me to submit.”
Why do men who are secure in their heterosexuality react so strongly to being called “gay” or “a pussy”? Why are they threatened by the existence of trans women or drag queens? It's pretty simple: they believe—incorrectly—that it’s about being forced to submit to other men. Never mind that queer relationships, like most relationships, aren’t based on domination. Never mind that trans women and drag queens don’t give a damn if these men are attracted to them and aren’t trying to confuse or manipulate anyone. But that’s the story they’re being sold.
These fears are played upon by the Right throughout these men’s development—using the fascist playbook that’s been around for centuries. According to right-wing leaders, these marginalized groups are both the most cunning and powerful and somehow subhuman and weak. No one stops to explain to these men why that contradiction makes no sense—and that, in reality, most marginalized people are just trying to survive.
And when young boys say something ignorant or make a bad joke, the Left’s first instinct is often to jump down their throats. That only reinforces what right-wing influencers are telling them: that feminists, liberals, and queer people hate them, want to shame them, and want to emasculate them. That all they're allowed to do is sit down and shut up.
And if that’s what they think everyone believes about them, they’ll double down. They’ll play the part. That’s how you end up with the Paul brothers, Theo Vons, Kill Tonys, Barstool Sports, and others. “If people already think I’m a macho, misogynistic meathead—might as well lean into it and make it look good.”
So when someone like Donald Trump comes along and validates their insecurities—saying it’s okay to be “a man” again, even if he himself is a poor example—they feel seen. He tells them, “Yeah, those people make me uncomfortable too,” and “Those immigrants are coming for your job, your house, your family.” And no one corrects him. So it must be acceptable. He tells them he didn’t cheat to win. No—they were weak. And that’s just the American way: the strong survive, the rest are in the way.
So where did we go wrong?
Somewhere along the line, in trying to lift others up, we overcorrected. Instead of saying that femininity deserves equal standing with masculinity, we implied that masculinity itself is bad. We blurred the line between toxic masculinity and masculinity itself. That boys are too aggressive by nature and need to be defanged. And that only pushed young men further away.
We often say: “Rights aren’t pie. You don’t lose some just because someone else gets more.” And that’s true. But we also have to recognize that it's a two-way street. As we create more opportunity for those who've been marginalized, we also need to make room for positive masculinity.
That it’s okay to be strong and tough—but not at the expense of others. That yes, you can enjoy “guy stuff” as long as it doesn’t harm others or block someone else from expressing their true self. That you can be a provider, and it’s still a success if your wife or partner earns more than you. Be proud of her! Celebrate that! And protecting the women you love means defending their right to make decisions about their own bodies—not having someone else dictate those choices.
Even if my faith says abortion is a sin, it also says God gave us free will. That means I don’t get to tell someone else how to live their life.
Most importantly: it’s okay to be a man. No one is coming to take that away from you, embarrass you, or silence you.
I am who I am. You are who you are. And that’s great.
As long as we treat each other with respect and look out for our fellow human beings, society will thrive. Yes, some people need more help than others—and that’s okay. No one should be dehumanized for that. You can use your strength to help them. Compassion and empathy aren’t weaknesses—they’re powerful. Being open-minded and supportive of others is a strength.
Because when everyone is successful, we all succeed.
By the Ballot is an opinion series published on Substack. All views expressed are solely those of the author and should not be interpreted as reporting or objective journalism or attributed to any other individual or organization. I am not a journalist or reporter, nor do I claim to be one. This publication represents personal commentary, analysis, and opinion only.
The world needs more Aragons and fewer Gastons